I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
