Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
