I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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