Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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