Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
