"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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