i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
