I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He felt like a one man threesome
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
