I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
