I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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