Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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