dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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