I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
