I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
She told me I should be a condom model.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
