i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
