Little spoons don't ask big questions
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
