I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
