How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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