happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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