Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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