if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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