i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
