I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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