i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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