his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
