I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
