When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
