he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
