Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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