im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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