I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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