You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
