Plan B is the new Plan A
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
