Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
