and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
