dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
