I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Randomize
