My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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