I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
