Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
