Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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