the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
