12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Randomize
