I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
