i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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