So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
