I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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