No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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