The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
its liver damage thursday
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
