fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
