I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I need moral support for this bender
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
